Patrick Ward

Divorce can be emotionally harmful to a child.  Divorce inalterably changes the family dynamic.  To help limit the negative impacts that divorce can have on children, parents should consider and rely on the Collaborative Divorce process

It is vital to understand how childhood experiences can impact a child in the future.  For context, consider The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study, first published in the late-1990s.  This seminal work is critical to understanding the negative impact that adverse childhood experiences have on children.  The study concluded that adverse childhood experiences could have significant physical, mental, and emotional effects into adulthood. (See https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/.)

It is well-known that child separation from a parent, a form of neglect, is an adverse childhood experience.  A recent interview of Dr. James Coan by the Institute for Family Studies highlights how neglect can adversely impact children.

“Adverse Childhood Experiences range from things like parental divorce (relatively common) to many forms of abuse and neglect (relatively rare).  Their effects vary, and the data suggest that most children are resilient.  But there does seem to be a cumulative effect—so the more of these traumas one experiences, the worse outcomes you can expect.  Such outcomes include behavioral problems, anger, aggression, impulsivity, ADHD, depression, anxiety, and a number of physiological symptoms like heart disease, diabetes, autoimmune activity, etc.  The age at which a trauma is experienced matters as well.  The younger you are, the more devastating the trauma can be.  More surprising to many people is the relative impact of neglect versus more active abuse.  Of the two potential traumas, it looks increasingly like neglect is the most negatively impactful.  Children need to be cared for and interacted with.” (See The Trauma of Family Separation: An Interview with Dr. James A. Coan, https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-trauma-of-family-separation-an-interview-with-professor-james-a-coan.)

As Dr. Coan appropriately notes, divorce is a relatively common adverse childhood experience.  Many children are sufficiently resilient to overcome divorce.  The concern, though, is one of accumulation.  A child living through the divorce process may experience neglect because she no longer sees each parent every day.  Also, and unwittingly, a divorcing couple could allow adverse experiences to accumulate during the divorce process (for example, fighting with your partner in front of the child, emotionally neglecting the child’s needs, or denying visits with the non-custodial parent).

Divorcing parents should strongly consider the Collaborative Divorce process when a child is involved.  A key to Collaborative Divorce is the Collaborative Team, which helps the adults navigate through their own emotions and fear.  The Team includes the parents, the attorneys, a Divorce Coach, and a Financial Professional.  The Team will support the entire family and help the family resolve their case issues.  The Collaborative Team can help the adults keep the best interests of their children in mind and can help the parents avoid the accumulation of adverse experiences and potential trauma from the parent’s divorce.  The Collaborative Team, which could include a Child Specialist in complicated situations can also help the parents understand their child’s possible response to the divorce.

Ultimately, the Collaborative Divorce Team can help the parents keep the focus on the health and safety of their children.  The goal is to bolster the children’s resilience and allow the entire family successfully navigate the divorce.

Over the past few months, someone has been painting small rocks with kind words and leaving them around our neighborhood. The stones in question are the kind that could easily be picked up and thrown. They are small, perfectly sized for a hand. I’ve wondered who is leaving them about but realized that the message is more important than the messenger. Someone, perhaps a child, reminds us not to throw stones but rather to treat each other with kindness and respect.

As we enter the holiday season, these stones remind divorced parents to be kind to each other during the holiday season because this kindness is in the child’s best interest. When a child who used to live with both parents is now living with one parent, both parents should keep an almost universal truth in mind – the child loves both parents. The child wants his family to be kind and respectful of each other.

During the Collaborative Divorce process, you and your team talked about the holidays and the need to keep the child’s best interest in mind. You, your team, and your former spouse came to agreements about the holiday schedule. You also probably worked hard on a plan to make the holidays as “normal” as possible for the child. But, as the holidays approach, it will likely become clear that the situation is no longer the norm that it used to be.

For the first time, each parent may face the prospect of having their child not present for the usual family traditions. The child will feel the loss as well. The child will need support during this holiday season in a way that she has not required in the past. It is crucial to avoid expressing negative feelings about the ex-spouse in front of your child. Expressing these negative feelings in front of your child, even subtlety, will only undermine the child’s well-being.

It is also crucial to avoid placing the child in a “loyalty bind” by making the child feel she has to choose a parent. Parents should not compete for the child’s affection through gift-giving that undermines the other parent. The Collaborative Divorce process helps parents to learn to address these issues together. The holidays are the perfect time to put these skills into practice.

Supporting your child does not mean continuing to pretend that the family unit remains a whole. The child likely knows that is not accurate – even at a young age. It may be possible to maintain some traditions. Still, most specialists recommend finding ways to make new traditions for you and your child during the holidays. To the extent possible, parents should involve the child when establishing new traditions. Responding to the physical, social, and emotional age of the child is essential.

Also, it is necessary to be empathetic towards the child’s feelings about her other parent. Even if the divorce finalized months before, the holidays are a time of heightened emotions. The parents must acknowledge that the child is trying to understand her new normal, which may involve seeing the parents separately, seeing one of the parents sporadically, or not seeing a parent if the parent is not safe. Empathy in this situation may be just acknowledging the child’s emotions and possible sadness. It requires a level of kindness about the other parent that may be hard to express, but the child needs to hear. Above all, it requires that both of the parents do their very best to show kindness under trying circumstances.

If you had a Divorce Coach on your team during the Collaborative Divorce process, reach out to that person. You will likely find that a short conversation will go a long way toward helping you show empathy and kindness to your ex-spouse and your child, which will only help the child in the long-run. It will also help you to have a safe and joyous holiday season.

This pandemic has been devastating for many families. You may know people who have been sick, or you may know families who have lost loved ones. The emotional strain today is tremendous. Families who are already contemplating divorce are under even more stress and, likely, significant household tension. Unfortunately, the pandemic has also impacted the judicial system, limiting families’ ability to take advantage of the in-court process to divorce or legally separate.

Oregon’s most respected Judges are concerned about the court’s long-term backlog caused by the pandemic. Washington County Circuit Court Judge Janelle Factora Wipper told the Oregon State Bar Bulletin that”‘[c]ases are backing up. At some point, we know we’ve got to deal with the backlog, but we have no clue when that’s going to be, or any sort of returning to normal.” The case backlog will worsen as new cases are filed, noted Oregon Chief Justice Martha Walters. (Bring in the Jury, Cliff Collins, Oregon State Bar Bulletin, Vol 80, No. 10 at 30 (August/September 2020.)) The pandemic has also created a backlog of cases that will prevent divorces and separations from being heard on time. In Multnomah County, Oregon’s largest county, non-emergency domestic relations matters (i.e., divorces) will not be set for trial until January 2021, meaning that divorces filed with the court during the last eight months will only start going to trial in January at the earliest and most will not be heard until well into 2021. This backlog is expected to continue with the courts for the foreseeable future. (See https://www.courts.oregon.gov/courts/multnomah/Documents/Multnomah%20Covid%20Information%20Sheet%209.18.20.pdf.) 

Families contemplating divorce consider Collaborative Divorce over the traditional court process to avoid the stress and burden associated with the court’s backlog. Collaborative Divorce is an out-of-court process that allows the family to self-determine the divorce outcome through the collaborative team’s support, is an excellent alternative to litigation. The Collaborative team includes the clients, the attorneys, and possibly a Divorce Coach and Financial Planner (depending on the family’s needs.) The family commits to sharing information and working together to protect their children and equitably distribute assets. The attorneys support the family throughout the Collaborative Divorce process.

Most importantly, for the family, the process also works on the family’s schedule, rather than the court’s calendar. Families do not need to wait for the court to act. The family can work with the team to move the process forward.

This pandemic will impact divorcing families long after the immediate health dangers are resolved. Families that choose the Collaborative Divorce process can help minimize some of the stress from the judicial system’s delays.

For more information about the Collaborative Divorce process, you can review the Collaborative Divorce section of Clarity Law’s site or visit the Oregon Association of Collaborative Professionals https://collaborativepracticeoregon.org/collaborative-divorce/.

 Be safe and stay healthy.

The Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode, Hush debuted just about 21 years ago. Slate magazine reminded me about the episode and upcoming anniversary yesterday. I’m a huge fan of the episode because it still gives me the hee-bee jee-bees. If you’ve not seen it, it’s worth the 48 minutes or so. In Hush, the bad guys, called The Gentlemen, come to Buffy’s town of Sunnydale to steal still-beating hearts from unsuspecting victims. The victims cannot scream because the entire town’s voices are stolen to allow The Gentlemen to be undiscovered. Buffy, with the help of the Scooby Gang, learn to communicate without words to defeat the gentleman and regain their voices.

Slate’s article addressed the question of communication, the episode’s central focus. The article focused on verbal communication’s importance. The show emphasized non-verbal communication. Both the article and the show remind me that face-to-face, verbal and non-verbal communication are part of successfully getting through a challenging experience. Of course, divorce and post-divorce communication are challenging. Learning to successfully communicate with your soon-to-be ex-spouse, especially about ongoing child custody issues, is key to success. As a Collaborative Divorce professional, I know that the Collaborative Team is key to this success.

 Divorce is emotionally stressful, and stress inhibits effective communication (especially when contact with a spouse may have led to the breakdown of the marriage.) In custodial disputes, the stress undermines the parents’ ability to engage in dialogue about their needs and the children’s needs. Responses are driven by emotion. Neither side effectively hears the other. The voices might as well be stolen.

 But, the Collaborative Team, much like the Scooby Gang from Buffy, can help the parents understand the feelings, work through the emotions, and communicate effectively to resolve the Divorce. Hopefully, the team will also give the parents the ability to continue to communicate effectively as the needs and interests of the child change.

 The Collaborative Divorce Team, which includes the Divorce Coach, attorneys, and the parents, meets together. During the meetings, the Coach and the attorneys help the clients identify their primary interests. The team helps the clients talk to each other about why these interests are important. Each parent and the team member can see the non-verbal responses to statements – allowing unsaid interests to be addressed. The Coach and the attorneys also help the clients understand the children’s current and ever-changing interests. Collaborative Divorce is a forward-thinking process. The child’s needs and interests will change. Hopefully, the Collaborative Divorce team can help the parents learn to communicate effectively as those changes occur.

 The Collaborative Divorce team is like Buffy’s Scooby Gang. The team helps the parents read each other’s non-verbal cues during the team meeting and learn to verbally communicate with each other while trying to parent their child. Objective communication is key to success for a divorced family. The family should rely on their own Scooby Gang to have success in the future.